


Apathy

by maskofwords



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, God Tier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 21:43:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maskofwords/pseuds/maskofwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Aradia Megido and you aren't afraid of death. You are<br/>afraid of something else, something worse for you. You are afraid of not<br/>feeling anything. You are afraid of being "ok" again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apathy

Your name is Aradia Megido and you are empty. You weren't always this way but the past is behind you. Well, maybe more of in front of you. Your once lovely hive is in pieces in front of you. There would be no way now of guessing the original appearance. Your lusus, your caregiver passed away among the remains as well. It had been smaller than you but had never failed to provide like any other guardian. It may have been on the protective side as well. You recalled how it would come along on your once exhilarating exhibitions. Now, it had passed away. The large stones of your hive crushed it instantly. It probably didn't suffer or if it did, you doubted that it would have suffered long.   
You should feel despair at your guardian’s death. You should feel all the pain and sorrow of anyone that grieves but you cannot grieve. You are empty inside and all you can feel is that you are “okay” with this. Why would you feel differently? Emotion almost feels foreign to you.   
Then there is something obviously wrong with you as you look at your moirail. You know he was the one that destroyed your hive. You recall the red and blue filling your vision before you felt nothing at all. You and he were almost inseparable at times. He kept track of you and in return you made sure he didn't lock himself away from everyone. Now, you could do nothing but watch him. You observed his behavior. He was distressed and remorseful. You heard him say your name several times and begged for you. You did nothing though. You just watched. All the emotion you should be feeling now seemed to fill your moirail two-fold.   
You were ok with this still. It didn't faze you. Nothing would. The spirits that spoke to you were even clearer now and they reassured you that it was also ok to feel nothing. You didn't concern yourself too much with your lack of emotions. He couldn't even see you so what could you do? Maybe in time he would but this troll with your blood on his hands saw neither your entrance nor your exit that day.

Your name is Aradia Megido, and you are a metallic shell of who you once were. You are not quite sure what emotion is yet. It does weird things to your mind. You aren't sure if these thoughts are yours or not. Are you angry? You were killed in cold blood. Your body left to decay and your spirit left to roam Alternia where all you could do was obey the already deceased.   
Are you happy? You are not completely empty now. Everyone knows of your existence and your return. You can physically touch things and others can touch you as well. You aren't ignored or forgotten. Are you in love? You can’t quite get the image of Equius out of your head. He slaved over this mechanic shell for you. The last time you felt love was before your death, when you saw Sollux. Is this love? You see him everywhere. Or do you hate him? The line between hatred and love is a fine line, even in your society. Did he program these feelings of hatred and love into you?   
You destroyed countless things in your apathy but yet, you still feel the tremendous need to destroy more. You are not done. You feel completely wrong in this shell. It isn't you and you want to destroy it. You want to destroy Vriska for what she did. You want to destroy Equius for forcing his way into your mind. You want to be ok again but now you are so, so very confused. 

You are Aradia Megido and after so long of being gone, you are back. You are very much alive. You are you. For once you know this emotion of happiness is real. It is so amazing. You can’t believe it either. There aren't enough words to describe how it is feels. You spend quite a while processing this feeling.   
You move on to worry next. You forgot that you left Sollux, Nepeta, Equius, and the rest of your friends back on the meteor. You know some of them saw your death once again. You wonder how they took it. Do they know you are alive right now? You hope they will be safe. They will continue their existence let you are determined to continue yours.   
You are now afraid. You look death in the eyes again. You see the winged creature that has killed so many of your friends in one form or another. You know that if he tries, he could possibly kill you. You are not scared of death itself. Death is merely a passage for you. It is like walking from one room to the next. What you are afraid of is what death brings? You are alive. You understand how you feel and more importantly you do feel. You are not ok. You never want to be ok again. So you are afraid.   
You don’t plan on dying anytime soon.


End file.
